With the cash registers ringing at record levels worldwide – passing A BILLION DOLLARS already – and not slowing down just yet, that won’t have stopped Hollywood from plotting the next sequels to Fast & Furious. Happy to give them a helping hand (in exchange for just 0.01% of the global gross earnings), we turned our minds to what might happen in the next two films and the results speak for themselves – like the preceding films in the series, this is what can happen when truly inspired, creative individuals dream big.
We want to hear your ideas for Fast & Furious 10 too – comment below, and our fave will score Hoyts movie passes and a bunch of other goodies.
Furious ∞
Plot outline: The Shaw brothers (Luke Evans and Jason Statham) have both been ex-filtrated Argo-style from their respective confinements by a slender stranger in a widow’s mask. If you thought the siblings were dangerous alone, wait until they work together to get re-revenge against Dom and his family. But who is their elusive ally?
New star: Following The Raid’s Joe Taslim and Ong-bak’s Tony Jaa, Ninja: Shadow of a Tear’s Scott Adkins is the next under-recognised martial artist that will play the lead badass henchman in the franchise. What’s his name? I dunno, Bruce or something.
New villain: During a fist-fight with Letty, the mysterious new villain’s mask is punched off to reveal… a scar-faced Giselle! (Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!? Did NOT see that coming!) Having barely survived the runway incident in Fast & Furious 6, Gisele wakes from a four year coma. She is told that Dom and the crew were responsible for Han’s death. Thus, she dons a widow’s mask and releases the Shaw brothers to hunt them all down for revenge (and re-revenge). She’s also buff as all hell thanks to her Wonder Woman training.
One ridiculous stunt: Dom is held prisoner on a jumbo jet, followed by another jumbo jet. He breaks free and punches his way to the back of the plane. A stray bullet destroys a window, sucking out the crew, the pilots and all the parachutes. As the lone survivor, Dom’s only option is to drive a Maserati (that just happens to be in storage) from the cargo hold to the second plane.
He becomes airborne. Time goes into slow motion. It’s amazing.
Dom crashes into the cockpit of the second plane, causing it to nosedive and spiral rapidly. He gets out of the car, engages in a few more rotating Inception-like fist-fights, snags a parachute, and exits out the rear. As Dom enters freefall, the two falling planes collide into each other, resulting in a colossal explosion.
This is all shown in one shot.
F9st 9nd furi9us 9
Plot outline: In a fit of nostalgia for the wonky chronology of the series, F9st 9nd Furi9us 9 takes place between the events of instalments four and five. Dom (Vin Diesel) is en route to a U.S prison and is essentially unseen throughout. However, Brian (Paul Walker) inexplicably turns evil, becoming the film’s villain after growing an enormous moustache, goatee and donning an eyepatch due to a case of pink eye (helping Weta’s digital work by hiding much of his face).
New star: SWAT team legend Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves aka the original Paul Walker) attempts to head him off at the pass in his heavily armed, turbocharged bus – oddly enough, the only vehicle he can drive after the events of Speed.
New villain: We covered that – the evil Paul Walker. He’s joined by two gun-toting feminists behind the wheel of a convertible, with Pamela Anderson and Kate Upton playing roles similar enough to Thelma & Louise to be recognisable, yet not trigger a lawsuit or inject any actual respect of women into the franchise.
One ridiculous stunt: As the characters converge, Traven realises the only way to catch up to Brian is to jump his bus across the Grand Canyon. Yes, that’s impossible, but what is possible is jumping half the Grand Canyon, where two cargo helicopters hover bearing an enormous halfpipe. The bus lands at one end – just – then races up and out the other side, gently nudging the women’s convertible as it lands.
The pair go flying and their car explodes in a mid-air cloud of g-strings for no apparent reason, while the bus spectacularly completes its jump, only to miss its intended target. However, as Brian speeds off, he undergoes an outwardly visible identity crisis before the camera flies inside his brain where the good Paul Walker and the bad Paul Walker square off for a fist fight. Inside his mind, surprisingly empty except for many panes of glass and breakable furniture, the two digital Walkers beat the living shit out of each other in a scrap that will determine the outcome of the film (that we already pretty much know as it leads right into Fast Five).
