Conan the Barbarian (2011)

"The film delivers hard-R escapism for 13-year-old intellects, aimed to satisfy those looking to rest their brains but not their ears."

"While the effects are fine director Marcus Nispel does little to replace the unintentional humor of the original."

"If swords, sorcery, pecs and FX get your bloodlust pumping, there’s fleeting fun to be had."

"A brutal, crude, witless high-tech CGI contrivance, in which no artificial technique has been overlooked, including 3-D."

"So fun it's barbaric. The squeamish should stay home, but the bloodthirsty will thrill as Conan the Barbarian butchers bodies and dialogue."

"Simultaneously lavishly violent and numbing, visually ornate and undistinguished, epic and shallow, relentlessly noisy and tone-deaf, workmanlike and unfilling."

"Theoretically exciting, it’s somehow very dull."

"It may be ridiculous as all get-out, but the fact that the exaggeration is so irony free is charming in its own way."

"Feels like a half-hearted revamp of virtually any of the Conan rip-offs that clogged up video-store shelves in the ’80s."