About a week or so ago, the internet was like “Hey Liam, you wanna see something that’ll totally bust your geek nut?” Before I could respond, the internet pulled down my proverbial pants and pleasured me with the debut trailer to Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph.
I have longed for an animated film that basked in the secret world of video game characters (akin to Toy Story), because video games built a large chunk of my childhood. Before I could wear proper pants, I was glued to my parents’ Atari hopping on parallelogram icicles in Frostbite. Before I could do basic division, my cousins and I were trying over and over again to get past the Death Egg Zone in Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Before I grasped the concept of ‘virginity’, I was pulling off double backflip 900s on Tony Hawk Pro Skater (2010 was a good year).
I am extremely excited for Wreck-It Ralph and the numerous ways it could mash my nostalgia buttons. The trailer has already revealed a generous number of cameos (M. Bison, Zangief, Bowser, Dr. Robotnik, Clyde, Q*bert, Kano, even Paperboy in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-him cameo), but there’s so much more room on the roll-call. As such, I thought I’d crack my nerd knuckles and jot down ten characters I would love to see from Disney’s ode to gamers.
Banjo and Kazooie
Rare’s stupendous 3D platformer for the Nintendo 64 starred a banjo-playing bear (named Banjo, because he plays the banjo) and his cheeky bird sidekick Kazooie who lived in his backpack. Together, they journeyed out to stop the evil freestylin’ witch Grunty from sucking the cuteness out of Banjo’s sister Tooty. The game’s fantastical worlds, wondrous sense of exploration and child-like sense of playfulness put it (and it’s amazing sequel Banjo-Tooie) into legendary status.
They made a third game for Xbox 360, but I’d rather not acknowledge its existence any further.
Why I want to see them
In the later years of my primary school education, I was taken to an after-school facility called Kids-in-Action. That place totally ruled; it had a three-storey playground, a bouncy castle, a frozen coke machine and two N64s hooked up to two TVs with a game in each. Banjo-Kazooie was one of those games, and I was a pro at it.
I was frighteningly good at that game, damn well on an obsessive level, and I embraced it so. It didn’t help that the KnA staff deleted all the save data at the end of each day, forcing me to start from scratch. I had to memorise every aspect of every level I accomplished just so I could speed-run to the next part. It was their fault that I developed such an unhealthy love for that game, and I never got to thank them for it either.
Potential subplot
After the disappointment that was Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts, the bear and the bird have become hobos, living on the floors of Game Central Station pathetically playing their titled instruments in the hopes of earning enough change for some ‘golden jiggies’ (which is now a street term for ‘crack’).
The polar bear from Ice Climber
Ice Climber, one of the games in the NES’s debut line-up, was a vertical platformer were you played an eskimo climbing upwards through layers of ice to get to the condor that stole your food. You’d often encounter other enemies, but it was this speedo-wearing polar bear in glasses that was the most threatening.
If you’re taking too long to make it to the next floor, this bastard would appear all nonchalant and stomp his foot down, forcing the screen to jump upwards. If you happened to be off-screen when he does it, you’re dead.
Why I want to see him
I loved Ice Climber as a kid, even though I never owned an NES. While it didn’t ascend to the quality of Super Mario Bros., the vertical gameplay set it apart from other platformers. It left an impression on my childhood, and while it’d be cool to see the eskimos Popo and Nana in the film (I dominate everyone with them in Super Smash Bros. Brawl), there’d be more comedic subtlety to the polar bear’s presence.
Plus, he’s a speedo-wearing polar bear in glasses. That’s some instant funny right there.
Potential subplot
Not so much a subplot, but more of a gimmicky cameo. He walks on screen, stomps his foot down and the screen wipes vertically.
Todd from Pokemon Snap
I will be quite shocked if I do not see a single pocket monster in Wreck-It Ralph. In doing this wish list, I had to go through all 151* of them before realising that I couldn’t isolate just one choice. Instead, I went with a more… left-field character.
*there have only ever been 151 and I will not argue the point any further
Why I want to see him
I was brainwashed by the Pokémon craze like most kids my age in the late ’90s. Needless to say, we were holding out for a 3D N64 game like cute little crack addicts. However, instead of venturing from Pallet Town to the Indigo Plateau in a polygon reconstruction of the world we adored, we got this obscure photography game.
Getting over my initial ‘What the f*ck!?’ moment (the acronym didn’t exist back then), I learned to love this game. Hell, it was the only Pokémon game I could play on my TV at the time (Stadium came out later, which I did not care for), so of course I was going to play the ever-loving shit out of Snap.
I want this series represented in Disney’s film, and Todd’s inclusion is the only logical way to tip the hat to this very unique game.
Potential subplot
With no chance of a sequel coming out any time soon, Todd became a freelance photographer for a local tabloid. He runs his own column, entitled ‘People getting hit in the face by apples’.
The Root Beer Tapper
Back in developer Midway’s arcade heyday (when Midway was actually a thing), they released this fantastic little title (as Bally Midway). As the bartender, your objective is simple: serve root beer to some astonishingly impatient patrons before they reach you.
Why I want to see him
I admire the fun simplicity of the game Tapper, but the main reason I want to see him in Ralph is because of the character himself. He’s unique and quite iconic to the early/mid ’80s era of gaming. I think he’d fit right in.
Potential subplot
Retired from the game industry, the bartender started his own pub inside Game Station Central. When Wreck-It Ralph hits rock bottom, he goes to Tapper Tavern to drown his sorrows in root beer.
Pyramid Head from Silent Hill 2
Unquestionably the most iconic character in the Silent Hill series, Mr Head’s reputation amongst survival-horror fans is unparalleled (except for maybe the following entry). Drenched in someone else’s blood, he drags around a giant rusty f*ck-you meat-cleaver sword
Why I want to see him
If the focus of the film is on video game bad-guys, then Pyramid Head is an opportunity in waiting. His inclusion is entirely plausible, with Disney showing a gutsy allowance for characters from violent video games (Kano from Mortal Kombat).
Plus, I really want to see him in that self-help group, crying about his problems.
Potential subplot
Depressed about being labelled as a freaky abomination with an hypotenuse for a face, Pyramid goes on his own quest to find himself. Adopted at an early age, Head raises funds for flights to Egypt to meet his birth parents.
Yeti from Free Ski
Everyone past the age of 20 must have played this game at some point. As a happy-go-lucky skier, you happily careened down a snowy mountain either at your leisure or by taking part in some basic events like slalom. Woot.
However, when your event ends, that’s when the challenge begins. Without warning, this grey-skinned red-eyed douchebag would appear from out of nowhere and chase your ass down with Usain Bolt speed. When (not if) he got you, you were eaten.
Why I want to see it
Back in the days where you had to start your computer by entering C:DOS RUN, I wasted a good amount of time on Free Ski (it was either that, Solitaire or Minesweeper). The objective for me was never to achieve a flawless slalom; it was to outrun this damn Yeti. To this day, I have only ever managed to do it once (turns out another one appears moments later).
This thing pollutes my dreams and destroyed my chances of becoming a Winter Olympian (though living in Auckland didn’t help). The only way I can get over my fear of this wanker is to see a cutesy Disney-fied version of it. C’mon Disney, make it happen.
Potential subplot
He now freelances as a professional background enemy for newer games, including Left 4 Dead, God of War and Dance Dance Revolution.
E.T. from that terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible Atari game
Regarded as one of the all-time worst games ever to meet a production line, E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600 was a downright embarrassment with its shoddy controls, putrid visuals and illogical rules. It made the cup-n-ball look like a gaming dynasty.
Why I want to see it
This game’s infamous reputation would be great to acknowledgement in Wreck-It Ralph, if only to demonstrate the polar dynamics between a respected classic and the gaming Antichrist.
Potential subplot
E.T. was accused of terrorism, playing a major role in the video game crash of 1983. He has been incarcerated in a giant hole that he can’t get out of.
Mecha Hitler from Wolfenstein
Wolfenstein was (pretty much) the very first first-person shooter in gaming history, taking place in the Second World War. Naturally, the final boss would be Hitler. But it wasn’t enough to fight him in the flesh; he jumps into a mechanical suit (reminiscent of ED 209 from RoboCop) which two mini-guns attached to each arm. Your initial reaction: “sheeeeeeeeeeit!”
Hitler’s quite a prominent villain in video game history, including the original Bionic Commando (where he gets his head blown up in a gruesomely detailed fashion).
Why I want to see him
I was more of a Quake dude myself, but this game is nevertheless a staple in electronic entertainment history. Considering how big FPS games have become in today’s market, it’s worth paying props to the grand-daddy of them all.
Okay, so maybe I just want to see Hitler in a family-friendly Disney film, but if there was a loophole that would allow for this possibility, then Wreck-It Ralph is it.
Potential subplot
He is also a regular member of the self-help ‘bad-guy’ group. The dude has good reason to be too; he’s the virtual reincarnation of one of the biggest mass murderers in human history. In a fantastic twist, Mecha Hitler sacrifices himself to save Ralph from impending doom (whatever that may be). A 1:1 statue is put up in Game Central Station, honouring the heroic Mecha Hitler.
Tron
The original Disney arcade movie is a cult classic. Tron: Legacy, not so much (though I still kinda dig it). However, I would strongly urge anyone with a mild interest in the series to check out the TV show Tron: Uprising, which is all kinds of badass.
Tron was the hero of the electro-fused world of The Grid in the original film, using his deadly neon frisbee and his light-bike skills to ‘derez’ his enemies. That light-bike segment was turned into a pretty rad arcade game, too.
Why I want to see him
Disney owns both these franchises, so the fit would be natural in a marketing sense. However, they can run the risk of seeming blatant in their cross-promotion.
I guess I just feel that the character of Tron was pushed harshly aside in Legacy, so any excuse to see more of him would be rad.
Potential subplot
I don’t really want to see him per se, but rather an image or an Easter egg that hints to his prior existence in the mythology of the Wreck-It Ralph world. Perhaps a statue right next to Mecha Hitler.
The paddle from Pong
If I have to explain Pong to you, you shouldn’t be reading this in the first place.
Why I want to see it
This was the video game. Though it may not be the very, very first electronic game to have existed, this was the genesis that lead to the massive video game culture we see today. Pong‘s existence in Wreck-It Ralph should be guaranteed.
However, it will be tricky. The paddle from pong isn’t a character, but rather a tool. But this doesn’t mean we can’t apply a personality to an inanimate object. Hell, that’s the entire basis of Toy Story.
Potential subplot
In an attempt to understand the existential intricacies of the world he lives in, Ralph stumbles into a room filled with TV monitors. His face in on every screen. In front of him is a leather chair. It swivels round, revealing a white rectangle sitting comfortably in place.
The paddle calls itself ‘The Architect’, claiming to be the genesis of the gaming world. From there, we spend the next boring 20 minutes with needless exposition and unnecessary jargon in the hopes of appearing intellectual.
Yeah, that’ll totally work.
So what say you, fine reader? Which character cameo would jiggle your joystick in Wreck-It Ralph? List ’em off!
