Here’s the second installment of Shelf Life, my ongoing series of viewing diaries, writing about stuff I’ve picked off my shelf, seeing for the first time etc. Basically it’s a way to force myself to clear the ever-growing backlog of unwatched movies… You can read the first one here.
MALATESTA’S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD
“Lost” films often become fetishised objects among film fanatics, developing mythic generation-spanning reputations that are difficult to live up to once you finally get to see them. “Discovered in an attic” three decades after vanishing from the few drive-ins it played, Christopher Speeth’s one-off mega-obscurity Malatesta’s Carnival of Blood (1973) – not to be confused with the even crappier Carnival of Blood (1970) – falls into the camp of not quite being the trash holy grail you had hoped for, but still offering enough to like so as to not disappoint, particularly if you’re a fan of carnival horror flicks (Freaks, Night Tide, Carnival of Souls, The Funhouse etc).
The plot, as far as I can make out, is about a dark lord of some sort named Malatesta (Daniel Dietrich) who keeps a colony of long-living cannibals hidden in the limestone caverns underneath a dilapidated carnival. For some reason that escaped me, they’re forced to watch loops of Lon Chaney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame, while above ground, sleazy middle-man Mr. Blood (Jerome Dempsey, awesomely hammy) – who’s more of a pivotal baddie than the somewhat screen-shy Malatesta – is tasked with finding flesh for them to feast on. In this case it’s the dysfunctional Norrises, who’ve come to check out the place and possibly oversee its operations.
Over a thankfully scant 74 minutes, the audience is left floundering in a zone of hallucinatory, near-avant-garde ineptitude. It’s not quite Manos-level of terrible, but there’s a more-than-sufficient supply of technically malnourished moments here to get that grotty thrift store feel and leave you somewhat disoriented. The action is haphazardly edited and poorly lit (usually by one, ill-defined source), and spatially we’re never sure exactly where we are in the carnival – we just know sometimes a hook-handed caretaker and a machete-wielding dwarf (The Man with the Golden Gun’s Hervé Villechaize) randomly show up, and there’s a lot of plastic, foil and bad psych-disco decor to writhe around in when needed.
The DVD, remastered by Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas’ (!) American Zoetrope, is still floating around, and for all things Malatesta you can visit the film’s official website.
THE STUDENT BODY
I had no aching desire to watch this, no plan of the “been meaning to check this out for the longest time” sort, but there it was, that beautiful cover art, sitting on the top of a pile of VHS that was taken out of my closet by construction workers who had to rip up my closet (long story). “Three beautiful coeds set education back 100 years…” – sure, why not? It’s directed by Gus Trikonis (West Side Story’s Indio), who made some sweet B-movies (Swinging Barmaids, Moonshine County Express) early in his career before heading off to TV land (Baywatch!), and stars the foxy threesome of Jillian Kesner, Janice Heiden and June Fairchild as trouble-making convicts who agree to undergo an experimental drug program at a college in exchange for early parolement.
It’s a totally ludicrous idea, and The Student Body, in true exploitation fashion, promises more than it delivers. Teasing us into thinking we’re in women-in-prison/campus sex comedy territory with brief catfights and gratuitous skinny-dipping, the film eventually ends on a tamer, straighter note. But not to worry, there’s some top drawer stuff in there. Heiden’s nymphomaniac Chicago attempts to rape a dude who tells her to “cut out that caveman shit”, then minutes later proceeds to repeatedly dunk his girlfriend’s head in a barrel of water. Better still, Fairchild’s Mitzi becomes obsessed with penguins (!!), and in the film’s funniest scene, throws a bin into a store window just to steal a giant stuffed penguin.
Kesner’s the dullest of the lot, simply falling in love with Carter (Peter Hooten), the son of the program’s head Dr. Blalock (Warren Steven), whom she discovers is illegally using them as guinea pigs to pay off some mounting bills. That’s as “thrilling” as the story gets, but the brassy, energetic lead performances help get us through this daffy little sexploiter-with-a-message.
STATIC
If most people didn’t realise that Grammy-winning music video director Mark Romanek made a movie before his two better-known features, the Robin Williams psycho-thriller One Hour Photo and the Kazuo Ishiguro adaptation Never Let Me Go (both underrated IMHO), that’s because he prefers it that way. His 1985 debut Static, co-written by his friend, and lead actor Keith Gordon (Christine, Dressed to Kill), is something he’s disowned, which could explain why it’s so damn hard to find and never made it to DVD. But man, it’s no piece of shit amateur hour – it’s actually pretty good. It IS the slightly formed work of a young filmmaker but regardless, Static is one of the more intriguing, oddball indie pics of the ‘80s – and the best Christmas movie you’ve never heard of.
Gordon plays Ernie Blick, a crucifix factory worker who’s almost completed a new, supposedly life-changing contraption he’s been working on for two years: a device that lets you to see into heaven. I often rail on about quirky indie movies, and that’s a quirky indie movie premise if ever there was one, but Static’s quirks and oddness mostly feel earned and restrained, absolutely in line with its characters’ overriding sense of melancholy and aimlessness. I’d go so far as to say that emotionally it’s a stronger film than either One Hour Photo and Never Let Me Go; the great scene where Blick unveils his invention is certainly more moving than anything found in those films.
Supporting cast includes character actor Bob Gunton (The Shawshank Redemption), who gets to show his rare lighter side as a ranting evangelist, and Amanda Plummer (Pulp Fiction), wonderfully low-key as Blick’s old flame Julia who’s back in town. If you like dreamy-synthy ‘80s scores, you’ll bliss out to this one (Eno, Japan, OMD).
Here’s a nice piece on Romanek from PopMatters.
