Poor Ryan Reynolds…
Somewhere in the movie afterlife is a cinema God who does not want that boy to succeed. He has everything going for him: great looks, acting talent, a business card that says ‘I banged Scarlett Johansson and you didn’t’. But in a cruel twist of fate, he’s now been tainted with the title ‘Box Office poison’.
I believe it all started with X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which was actually a financial success but a God-awful movie which didn’t do Reynolds’ blossoming reputation any favours. It was a shame too, because his brief stint as Marvel’s Deadpool in that film was great – that is, before they sucked all the character out of him for that stupid finale.
There were many problems with X-Men Origins: Wolverine (many of which The Wolverine amends), but Ryan Reynolds was not one of them. He was simply associated with that terrible movie, and for that, he needed a hug.
With a Deadpool movie looking less and less likely, Ryan switched sides for one last shot at comic book stardom in DC’s overwhelmingly underwhelming Green Lantern movie. You can’t blame the lad for taking the role. It was almost an assured blockbuster – Reynolds was given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work with stupendous director Martin Campbell and to co-star alongside the globally renowned Taika Waititi. What could go wrong?
The script, that’s what. The Green Lantern screenplay was written by the hacks behind TV’s No Ordinary Family – to call it bland would be doing a disservice to all the exciting things blandness has to offer.
Reynolds took a chance on A-list glory with Green Lantern, and both the critics and the Box Office denied him.
He also tried more daring feats of cinema with 2010’s one-man thriller Buried, set entirely in a coffin. Even though I wasn’t a fan of the conclusion, the movie was great, allowing critics to throw their favourite made-up word ‘Hitchcockian’ around. Reynolds acted his ass off in that film too, but unfortunately, his efforts weren’t enough to draw in audiences. His Oscar chances were also eclipsed by another film about some guy who was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.
At this point, I could understand Ryan Reynolds wanting to shift back to a lighter, comedic feature that honed into his Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place days. The prospect of working with Jason Bateman would have also been a massive draw. Unfortunately, this resulted in The Change-Up, another Box Office and critical failure with a terrible script that Reynolds probably didn’t read before signing the contract.
Last year’s actioner (that you probably completely forgot about) Safe House did respectable business. Ryan Reynolds was fine in the role too, but it was Denzel Washington’s name that undoubtedly drew in wallets – putting the value of Reynolds’ name further into question.
But then came The Croods, the animated adventure that I adored which featured Ryan Reynolds’ voice proudly and heavily as skinny cavedude Guy. The movie was a massive financial success for DreamWorks, and it gave me hope that Reynolds may have found his perfect outlet in voice work. However, just like Safe House, his name just wasn’t prominent in the marketing. Just look at these posters:
Still, he did such a fine job in The Croods that maybe playing the lead in an animated film would achieve the same results. DreamWorks’ gave him that opportunity with Turbo, the tale of a snail who could. We don’t get the film until September, but for whatever reason, DreamWorks thought it’d be a good idea to place it against those world-dominating minions from Despicable Me 2.
Yeah… it wasn’t a good idea – Turbo, with its $135 million US dollar budget, made only $21 mill. in its first week; that’s less than DM2’s taking in its second week. Not only is Reynolds unable to lead a live-action film, his vocal cords can’t even lead an animated film.
When life shot Ryan Reynolds down, I was there for support. That is, until I saw this shit.
What the holy fuck, Ryan? Have you not learned anything?
R.I.P.D. has a Metacritic score of 25/100 and a Rotten Tomato score of 12%, drawing in a meagre 10% of its budget back in its opening week in the States – half the takings of Turbo!
I thought Green Lantern would have taught you to read your God-damned scripts before shaking hands with the shady producer you meet under the Brooklyn Bridge. And so what if Jeff Bridges is starring in it? He’s old and already an established cinema icon – he could star in a porn parody of Dumbo and still be widely respected by the movie-going universe. The Dude can do whatever he wants at his age. But you’ve been treading thin ice for years, and you decide to star in this?
You’ve taken advantage of my affection. I will no longer be your enabler.
