My love for Nicolas Cage is a rare sort – one that traverses both the literal and ironic. I enjoy the talented nostalgia Nic of a bygone era, who headed such daring performances in Lord of War, Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas. Judging by this first trailer to Joe, he looks set to regain that credibility, as the numerous critics quotes delight in telling you.
However, it’s his current status as a walking internet meme that has made my love for crazy Cage unique, often crowned king of the craptacular with solid gold (s)hits like Drive Angry, Stolen, Season of the Witch, Next, Trespass, Seeking Justice and the infamous Wicker Man. If these two universes of Nic Cage were to collide, the resulting film would be, in my opinion, beautifully cataclysmic.
This is the film I want to pitch.
In a great interview with Den of Geek*, Spike Jonze was asked if he’d ever make Expendables 4:
Jonze: [Laughs] Well…um…what would it be? You tell me. You write it, I’ll make it. Pitch me, right now.
DoG: I don’t have anything for you. Well, there’d be Stallone and… three Nic Cages? And they’d just be fighting Jason Statham for 90 minutes.
Well, what if it was all Nic Cages?
All Nic Cage? Now I’m on board.
The Expendables 4 with all Nic Cages. I would die to do that movie. Imagine how good he would be. ‘Cause in those action movies you have the hero guy that needs to get back in the saddle again, you have the guy that is getting reluctantly pulled back in, the nerdier guy who’s good at technology and the bomb guy who’s socially awkward, so he’d play all the different guys in the action movie. And he’d play the bad guy, obviously.
Ahh, action movie bad guy Nic Cage would be great.
All right, I’ll work on it.
The interview was cut short before they could really mine the crystals from this concept (though we did get that neat Photoshop poster above). So I’m taking the reins from Den of Geek to present to you my movie pitch for the next Nicolas Cage film: Adapting Nicolas Cage.
A disclaimer: to completely understand this movie mind trip I’m about to take you on, I implore you watch Cage’s entire filmography.
Have you done that yet? No? Nevermind; let’s start:
This story stars Nicolas Cage as Nicolas Cage, pleading to Spike Jonze to let him on his next project after the success of Her. Jonze gives a vague dismissal of the idea, claiming he hasn’t got any fresh scripts at the moment. This prompt Cage to write his own script that will hopefully appeal to Jonze. This script is Adaptation 2.
Nicolas Cage starts writing the script, using his conversation with Spike Jonze as the opening scene. The next scene he writes is the scene is him sitting down and writing. He pauses, unsure where to take the story. Suddenly, a narration from Nicolas Cage is heard saying “Nicolas Cage was unsure how to continue the story of Nicolas Cage. Aware of his fading reputation, he realised the only way to salvage his acting credibility was to kill off all the characters in the movies that have damaged his career.”
From here, Nicolas Cage opens his file of old scripts and starts changing the ending to all his career damaging films – starting with Stolen – rewriting them so their characters die horribly and failing to save the day. He moves on to Ghost Rider 2, Drive Angry, Season of the Witch, Bad Lieutenant and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – killing off all previous Nic Cages.
However, the Nicolas Cages from Next and Knowing foresee screenwriter Nicolas Cage’s dastardly intentions. Before he can get to rewriting their endings, Next and Knowing Cages join forces and travel further down his filmography to find more Nicolas Cages from respected films that could help them.
They run into National Treasure Cage, who believes he can help them. But at this point, screenwriter Nicolas Cage has gone mad with power, killing off National Treasure Cage in order to prevent Book of Secrets from ever happening. The Cage from Knowing is also written off, sacrificing himself for Next Cage. Don’t worry though; they both saw that coming.
Next Cage takes shelter with Lord of War Cage, safely guarded by the film’s critical acclaim. However, he begins to fade like Marty McFly, for a single film can only contain one Cage. There is one exception to this rule, an exception that gives Next Cage an idea.
Using The Weather Man as a hopping stone, Next Cage makes it to Adaptation, where Adaptation Cage is standing outside the Being John Malkovich set. Next Cage explains the situation to Adaptation Cage, but Adaptation Cage doesn’t know what to do about it.
When screenwriter Nicolas Cage starts editing parts of Adaptation to fish out Next Cage, Adaptation Cage rewrites Being John Malkovich to Being Nicolas Cage – transporting Next Cage to that script. Before he leaves, Adaptation Cage and Next Cage have a heart to heart. I’ve got this scene planned already:
In a flash of light, Next Cage finds himself on the 7.5 floor of Being Nicolas Cage where he sees John Cusack in front of the tiny door to Nicolas Cage’s mind. Cusack looks puzzled at Next Cage.
Cusack: …Nicolas Cage?
‘Next’ Cage: (smile) Yes, I am.
Next Cage enters the door to Nicolas Cage’s mind. There, he finds all the characters Nicolas Cage has ever played in every film – Con Air Cage, Snake Eyes Cage, Wicker Man Cage in a bear suit, John Travolta – and gives a grand speech about what it means to be a Cage. Somewhere in this fantastic monologue is the line…
“No matter how big or small, how good or bad, how memorable or forgettable, a Cage is a Cage – and you should always be proud of that.”
Screenwriter Cage discovers them and disposes a Cage army, all from Leaving Las Vegas (the only movie he’s ever won an Oscar for). The other Cages take arms, leading to a spectacular war of the Cages – The Expendables of Nicolas Cages, if you will.
Witnessing the Cages tear themselves apart, narrator Cage then yells “Stop!” The battle ceases.
Narrator Cage then goes on about he was wrong to want to “correct” his career – that he shouldn’t take shame in his work. It’s made him the performer he is today, and that it’s his own judgement on himself that is the most damaging, not the judgement of others.
Well, something along those lines… that part isn’t very well written yet, but I’m sure the punch up writers can give it some pep.
We see screenwriter Cage in his writer chair, in tears, as he puts ‘THE END’ on Adaptation 2. A few days later, Spike Jonze hands Cage his script back and says “It’s alright, I guess.”
The End. You can mail the cheque directly to Flicks HQ, Spike Jonze.
