As hosts to the world, New Zealand ignited in their mighty All Blacks’ World Cup victory, initiating a celebration that seeped through the early hours of the following morning. A communal euphoria emitted from a nation in need of unity, resonating throughout the country with the boundless energy of ultimate triumph. Like every other proud kiwi, I rode that experience till my body depleted.
Then I woke up this morning to see The NZ Herald took my effing blog post idea, comparing certain All Blacks to the actors that should play them in their hypothetical motion picture.
No matter. I’m arrogant enough to believe I’m more informed than professional sporting journalists when it comes to the film industry. I don’t want to sully the Herald’s casting suggestions either, for some of them are on the Donald. But hey, this is a film blog, the RWC has only just come to a close and half of my mind is still inside an empty bottle of Heineken. What else could I half-assedly write about this week?
They’re both jokesters, freakishly tall and have irritated me at some point in their careers. They also have a creepy foot-long grin that would grab Batman’s attention. Kutcher just needs to do 1000 more push-ups, 2000 more sit-ups and 3000 less romantic comedies in order to fully nab the role.
For Thorn’s impersonator, we need an actor who can pull off three things: a bandage-prone face, the ability to perform an awesome man-cry and the knowledge of when to stop while you’re ahead. Respectively, Mickey Rourke has demonstrated all these qualities with Sin City, The Wrestler and The Expendables 2.
Poor Conrad. He’s a master-class player but not exactly a lady killer. Enter Benicio Del Toro: an actor whose theatrical skills match the level of Smith’s skills on the field. He’s also got a pretty unflattering mug, though if we were judging on looks alone, I could take that role.
It’s pretty easy to assign any good-looking son-of-a-bitch to play Cory Jane. I almost went the Chris Pine route, but turned to the lead of Tron: Legacy. Hedlund got the look and the body to match. Dude just needs to work on the accent and a three-day hangover recovery plan.
Duh.
I probably should’ve done some journalistic journalisation and actually try to get the actor’s name. Nevertheless, this guy’s brief role in Bad Boys 2 convinced me that he has the Nonu look and presence. Or maybe I just want Ma’a Nonu to yell “The devil, is not welcome, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!”
Yeah, yeah, “Piri the fool” and all that. I could’ve suggested Mr. T and proceed to dry my hands of the liquid cliché dripping from them. However, I want to give the rebooted Baracus a shot at playing our bearded bohemian. Probably need to give him the Gimli treatment though.
In order to get someone for the role of Sir. Rev. Dr. McCaw, we need someone with experience with playing leaders who’ve gone through honourable layers of hell. Bean hasn’t only covered that with Boromir, but also for his TV portrayals as Sharpe. Plus, he just looks like a champion.
Perhaps I’m a little unfair in this suggestion. After all, I’ve seen Sonny Bill smile. That alone will be difficult for Lautner to pull off (I could make a sturdy fence out of his facial expressions). Still, girls don’t flock to Williams for his emotional range, so Sharkboy it is.
We’ve completely destroyed the budget getting the other actors I’ve suggested. With no other actor we could possibly afford, we give Donald a call. He comes on set, gives a magnificent performance, wins an Oscar and is given the key to New Zealand. And we said he couldn’t do it…
